I am a person that loves and searches for harmony. Sitting under a tree in the woods is my happy place. Anger for me is a form of desperation needing to get out. And if I’m not seen and heard in that then the anger has occasionally even caused panic attacks.
So when we picked anger as our first theme to explore, I got really exited because I connect my anger to something that is really important to me, and that’s equality. Equality is me being allowed to be my authentic self. But in the unjust and inhumane system we are living in, it is hard to live our soul-purposes. Some never make it. That pisses me of even thinking about it.
When I reconnect with my anger afterwards, because like most, when it happens it just happens, as if you switch the lights off, BAAM. Darkness. I often feel my soul in a huge conflict with my mind. My mind wants me to play it safe, wanting me to adapt and fit in. Play by the book. My anger thinks the book sucks and wants to write a new one.
Anger mostly happens when I feel my mind is really trying to erase “me” completely and society is clapping along. That’s the desperation I mentioned before. I feel unseen and unheard and totally misunderstood. And lonely. A voice in side yells: CAN’T YOU SEE ME?
For me, it’s always been a bit of “the classic” scenario; issues where I wouldn’t speak up when I felt something was off, or be clear on my boundaries, unsuccessful attempts of “let things go”.
When deep wishes and values were left unmet or overrun, “the pot would boil over”. An internal explosion that lasts for quite long. It’s not easy to get me to this place, so if you manage, it will be just as hard to get me back. Actually, sometimes you don’t. No matter the number of excuses; I would forgive, but occasionally I didn’t really see a purpose in continuing a relationship.
The deep connection I feel my anger has with my soul and with my values makes my anger quite important to me. I trust my anger 100%. And it motivates me to work for change and a society where it’s more important to explore our skills and purposes than to fit in, play by the book and fit the norm.